PLEASE do not call 911 if:

Please do not call us if you left your eggs out on your desk at work... We do not want to break into your office and place them into the fridge. They will be spoiled anyway.. go buy a new carton. For real- don't call. I will be sure everyone knows who you are.

Don't call us because you need directions, try mapquest.com before you leave home if you don't know where you are headed.

Don't call us when your power is out, we have NO IDEA why it is out, when it will be back on, and furthermore, since we are on a generator we really don't give a damn that its out to begin with.

Don't call us because you and your co worker at the local dunkin donuts are fighting about the jelly that goes in the donuts. Really We do not care. You probably need to quit eating the donuts while you make them anyway. Really don't call.

Don't call us because your 5 year old won't clean his/her bedroom, try a little smack across the face, it tends to smarten them up a bit (and NO, you can't be arrested for spanking your child, unless you leave lasting marks)...

Please do not call and tell me NOT to drive home because you believe that God's working through you telling you to call me to tell me not to drive in the storm. It scares me. And when you invited me to your house to stay so I didn't have to drive- that scared me even more-- does your husband have girls chained in the basement?? That is what I pictured.

Don't call me because you don't like your son's girlfriends cat and you want us to take it to the vet for you. We do not do that. Even the animal control officer does not do that.

No we will not unlock a building for you because you are on an authorization list posted inside next to the break room. Do not argue for 15 minutes with me about it. Still no.

Do not call us when your kid does not get into college. We will not give you the address of the President or his phone number. We just won't. Your kid says "they messed up the paper work". No, your kid did not get back in because he has been arrested 4 times this year and we have called rescue even more for his drunk self.

Furthermore, ma'am, when you call and ask us why your daughter was arrested last night for the 3rd time this week for underage drinking and disorderly conduct perhaps it's time to get more involved in her life. Clearly she has a drinking problem. No ma'am it really is a problem.

Oh and when your car is in the process of being towed because you parked it IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROADWAY, don't tell us the dispatcher you talked to last night said it was ok.
He didn't.

Don't tell me ''BUT I have done it dozens of times''... when I ask you the name(s) of the officer(s) who have let you do such and such and you tell me it was a guy and he was tall and he had a mustache... even if it was Santa, I still do not believe you.

Please DO NOT CALL the business line as "not to tie up 911" because you can not figure out the daily crossword, really.

If someone accidentally bumps you IT IS NOT ASSAULT. It's just not.

You were robbed 9 months ago? And you are calling us now? no. just don't do it.

You are receiving harassing texts from an x? Ok. And you live in a place that his window and your windows look at each other. Ok. You are looking out and you see him looking at you. Ok.
CLOSE YOUR SHADES!! OR MOVE!! and a harassing text is not "hey". Really.

WHEN SHOULD YOU CALL???

If you are being assualted, robbed, stabbed, shot, been in a car accident, run over or have some other imminent danger of injury you may call us for Police assistance.

If you are having trouble breathing, your heart has stopped, a limb has been cut off, or you are bleeding out, you may call us for EMS assistance.

If you have a house fire, car fire, or some other type of structural fire (and no, smoldering mulch is not a structure fire) you may call us for Fire Dept assistance.

Any Questions???